Tears...

I am not a cryer. I have all this pain and hurt sometimes and it would be nice to just have a nice cleansing cry. I try sometimes. I sit and ponder on what is frustrating or sad in my life and try to muster up some tears and nothing. Even working in hospital with people dying doesnt seem to affect me. Sad stories of people dying before their time and leaving families devastated and alone won't muster a tear. I would like to weep for my losses and shattered dreams and unfulfilled life and can't even get choked up. I guess I have put on a strong exterior for so long and buried my feelings for so long that I am not in touch with them anymore.
Then there are moments. Moments that have nothing to do with me and I get choked up. Like watching a reality series of Tori and dean and something strikes me. Happy moments of people conquering over obstacles in biggest loser or a movie that is not all that sad. I don't know if it's hormones or faulty wiring. I wish I could sit with my husband and speak to him and cry so that he knows I am not talking out my ass but that what I am saying actually means something deeper to me. I have only cried with him a couple times...and he doesn't know how to react. I guess it just make me express that it is something important to me. Maybe I am letting it out little by little through small moments in front of tv.

chrissi alice