SO i have this plan for my life. A daily schedule I want to keep but before I even begin a day doing it I am already thinking of excuses why its not going to work or how miserably i will fail at it.
I need to get to the root of myself. TO figure out why I only do things half-assed and leave things uncompleted. Am I worried that if i complete my mission that I will not have anything else to focus on? Am i so stubborn that I don't want to do what people tell me to do, even though it is for my benefit and ultimately something I want to accomplish.
I don't feel like I have much control over my life. Even with studies, I can study my ass off then get a grade that I don't feel reflects the work I put into something. I don't feel I have had much control in my life since I got married. I feel my life has been dictated by what Nat wants. Its not all bad but I think I really want more control. So I could control my situation by accomplishing my goals that don't effect him, but I don't do what I should, but what I know I shouldn't. It's like I am seeing how much he will put up with before he leaves or just gives up on me. Sad part is that I am probably the one that has given up the most.
My head is groggy. I want to finish this assignment and get it out of the way but I just look at it and get disappointed. Maybe its because the last assignment I did I poured so much time and energy in it and got bad results. It was like that with P90X last time I did it. I was consistent with it for 6 weeks...pulling myself from my boot straps when i didn't feel like it and didn't make any excuses. Until I measured my success and my hopes for weight loss ended up being weight gain. Despite the fact I felt much better and felt accomplished...the results were not satisfactory so I gave up. One thing about that situation was that i was doing all the exercise but didn't change my eating, so it was half-assed i guess.
i sit and ponder how disgusting I think I am and know that I have the ability to change my circumstances but instead of actions I make lists of what I want to accomplish. Its been the same stupid list for years!! You would think I would learn my lesson by now that lists don't accomplish anything, but instead I mull around in the failure that the lists didn't work.
Do I not like hard work? I think I have something against sacrifice. I feel as if I deserve that extra brownie because I feel like it rather than deny myself anything. I guess i feel like I am not worthy enough to take measures to protect myself and make myself happy. OR i feel like I have already fucked up too much and there is no turning back now.
I don't really like people telling me what to do...so I resist them.
I see myself as a failure, so I don't see the point of trying anymore.
I have no hope that I will be successful in changing my mentality.
All issues I need to work through, but don't know where to start.

One day at a time eh? Sounds realistic and reasonable...until the day starts and the first thing you do is fuck up in some way.

I don't think I am non-motivated. I think I am non-committal. I wonder why I am like that..was it my mom? my dad? consistent disappointment? procrastination?

I want to come back to US in September of next year and prove that I have accomplished something...mainly be at my goal weight and be a non-smoker. I know I CAN do it...I know i WANT to do it...but I get in my own way and do nothing. I am not going to change overnight and don't really like not being instantly gratified for my efforts....maybe that is from society influence.

I definitely have issues. Need to stop thinking about them and do something....