This morning I weighed myself and was highly disgusted. I don't ever want to be 200 pounds but that day is approaching quickly. I have been pretty consistent with be weight till I got married then it all went downhill.
My husband told me I was beautiful but would be happier if I was thinner. Sad part is that he is right.
Today I tracked my calories. On a 1450 calorie limit I consumed 2537 worth of food. No wonder eh? I am not good at tracking my food. It's really a pain in the ass. However it did give me a little shock. I can see where I can cut back but of course it was favorite parts of the day.
It's all really in my gut. I have never been at my goal weight. I wouldnt even know what to do if I ever got there. I am sure I would find something wrong then too.
I think I might want babies one day. But not like this. I don want my children to suffer with their weight like I do. Sometimes I surrender. Thinking I will never reach my goal and that my body is falling apart. I never saw myself old. 60 max. Sad eh? I have already wasted more than half my life with this constant thought of failure. No wonder I fail...I just stop trying. I guess I don't see the point sometimes. Empty promises of a better sex life. Maybe more energy or motivation to do things I want but don't because I feel fat and unworthy or ugly.
I know I am not ugly. I have beautiful features that just haven't had a chance to flaunt. I know I would be more content. More comfortable. More fun. So what holds me back? If I think I am capable and I know the benefits and I don't want to be like this anymore why is it still an issue?
Maybe it's lack of knowledge. I am resistant to change. I am not it's biggest fan. Its a sorry excuse really. I wish it came easy to me. That the thoughts of food would just go away. That I would yearn for health and happiness. But I guess I like staying in the grime. It's soft and comfortable and I don't have to deny myself anything. My mom always said I could have whatever I wanted. And then she trained me to want the bad unhealthy foods. I could blame her but in the same breathe I pity her. She never conquered. She is still struggling.
It will always be a struggle. There will always be temptation. I don't know what is worse, denying yourself the pleasure of food or being out of control.
Is there a secret to motivation and will power?
chrissi alice