I wonder if everyone has these feelings of impending doom? I am not suicidal. I oculd however foresee suicide as an option if things just simply got too much to bear. It wouldnt take much. I am overall pretty content in life, I have a loving husband, a nice home, a fabulous family, supportive friends and no major dramas. Despite this, I still have these lingering feeling that its just pointless. Maybe its because I look at my life and see all my consistent failures and have reserved that my life is of no worth or merit. I dont see how my life influences anyone and why I am still here. I guess you could say God still has a plan for me, but honestly I am so disconnected from him that I wouldnt know if he bashed me over the head with it.
Other people have it way worse and seem to manage. I have just given up on some level and dont see the point in trying too hard to care. I still wake up in the morning. I still accomplish the minimal amount necessary to survive each day, overcast with doubts that I will ever conquer over my struggles and really be who i want to be. Its a depressing topic. My sister admitted once to contemplating suicide, even down to the when and how. That was a terrible thought. Although she is not in my life each and every day, i still know she is there. I think I would have to be admitted to psych ward if that ever came into fruition. I on the otherhand think of it as a sweet escape. No more frustrations, or worry or expectations...I just wouldnt be anymore. Of course that comes as a double-edged sword cause I then think of all the things I would miss out on, all the adventures I have yet to encounter. My life isnt difficult. But death seems like such a peaceful solution sometimes.
I vowed to myself this morning that I was a non-smoker. I envisioned myself in 10 years relying on portable oxygen to function, and how that would effect my self-image. I pictured the state of my lungs and the feeling of being able to breathe in deeply---yet despite myself, I again picked up the cigerette, lite it and smoked it while contemplating what it was and will eventually do to me. But when I have no real desire to continue struggling, it merely seems like a slow solution for death. It would be inevitable. Everyone dies at some point right? just some sooner than others. I dont have in my head that I will make it to 65. My dad didnt, his parents didnt, i see my mom not surviving to 70 so i figure i have lived half my life already. What have i really accomplsihed? What should I measure my life up to? How is it a success or failure?
I wish there was some kind of secret method to destroy my habits and lack of will power. I wish there was a potion to make me a healthy, thin and happy person. I dont really like all the work and sacrifice it takes to create myself how I see I should be or want to be. I feel like I have already screwed it all up so why fight it anymore.
So at my core I already surrendered to the ultimate failure and I havent even begun yet.