I always thought I was doing OK. I haven't murdered anyone, cheated on my husband or made an idol to a cow. Over the past month my heart has been breaking. I assumed that it had to do with the move to Australia and being so alone, but there was also this tugging to find a Bible and start praying. I have always had this inner affirmation of my spiritual strengths. i envision myself as a healer, of broken hearts and physical ailments (although I have never had the faith to put that into action); I also feel that my prayers are powerful and I have the urge for discipleship. I assume those urges and confidences point out some of my strengths. I have not been to church regularly since before I met Nat, and that is nearly been 4 years ago. I am sure that I have not completed anything I have started ever. I have been living as if everything is fine, yet walking around with this emptiness that leads to bitterness and envy. I am like a fish swimming in a puddle when I am a small leap away from the ocean. I have put God off so much. I have complained with myself that I need to be more faithful. I need to go to church. I need to read and pray but honestly had no idea where to start. It had been so long that I forgot if I really ever had it.
I decided last week that I was going to do something about it. My mother in law sent me a journal and Beth Moore Breaking Free book. I had also went to Christian bookstore (finally found one!) and got a couple more books, plus a Bible (since i have no idea where mine is). I started out the journal being very honest. Asking for forgiveness for being so prideful and selfish, but also really laid my life out. Anything had to be better than the heavy burden on my heart. It was pretty amazing. The burden was lifted, my loneliness and despair dissipated and I felt so light and free. This was only the beginning. I had decided to go to nursing school, but honestly I was scared shitless because it was such a challenge for me. I don't have a brain that has the capacity for memory or retention...things vital to nursing. I felt like I had lost all compassion for people, so the thought of stepping out to clean up their crap wasn't so appealing, but I went through with it regardless. I don't start school until July 20 but I was afraid until I had this moment with God. I wasn't afraid of anything anymore, I was actually excited. I know HE will definitely have to change my brain to work, but if its what HE wants me to do, HE will give me the talents for it.
I asked a simple request in my prayer that God would speak to me. Speak to me and that I would have no doubt that its HIM speaking. I often feel like if I am having a "conversation" with God that I am basically talking to myself and giving myself what I think are the right answers or responses (conditioned responses at that). Sometimes it is down right legalistic. God why are you not talking to me? answer: because I dont like you...now I would HAVE to know that GOD wouldnt say that, so I work my way into a conditioned response like "I talk to you all the time, you just dont listen" --maybe that sounds a little more like Him.
its a rather simple request and I waiting a couple days for maybe a lightening bolt or audible voice or SOMETHING that would undeniably be Him. I thought I had done all the "right" things..ya know, repentance = forgiveness = instant communion = voice of God, perfection. So I am a little frustrated that either I am not hearing him or he is not talking. I admit that my waiting was not pro-active...I went on with my days like I had before, taking no time to really pray or read Bible, but still wanting a conversation. I wrote in my journal a couple times...because that is a sure-fire way to hear voice of God right?
I catch myself acting "Christian" with God when I am praying. I have been trying to catch myself. i dont want poetic or versed prayers but reality and how I am really feeling and what I am really going through. I dont think that I have prayed like that before. To really give my life up -- to really consider the price I was reluctantly willing to pay. I want this time to be real and authentic. I dont want to box HIM up or limit Him in my life because I am too narrow-minded and routined. I want it to be a genuine deep transformation of my soul. Its rather scary. I dont want to get caught in the legalistic trap where I feel like I have to be something in order for him to accept me...to do all the right things...or say all the right words. I want the core of my being to KNOW HIM. its definately more difficult when I cant hear him. I figure I must be doing something wrong. Seriously God...what do I need to do for you to TALK TO ME?
So today I realized that I wasnt ok. I dont have it together. I am a good person, I dont murder or cheat or intentionally hurt anyone, but I am not ok. I want to realize the trueness of Jesus' sacrifice. to KNOW it was for me, if me alone. to experience that love that conquers all. to feel like a victor. All I want now is to hear his voice, but I am realizing there are alot more walls up between me and him that I am not so sure I want to tear down, or that I even feel strong enough to walk up to. So I am forgiven, I am loved in theory, but still working on its reality and how that reality will transform my life.