I am so sad. I want to go home...to America. It is killing me. I consider leaving and just getting on a plane and never coming back. I dont think that I could do that to Nat. It is an overwhelming thought though. Vanessa had her baby. It didnt bother me when she told us she was pregnant, but now that the baby is here I feel so jealous. I now have this itch that wont budge. I just want to cry when I think about having kids and wanting them, but it is a bittersweet because I would have something I couldnt share with anyone all the way over here.
I am just so depressed lately. Maybe it is the lack of hope...no promise of a future. I guess I see children as a future..otherwise it is the same old same old. I would want an adventure...or I want something more out of life. I dont know why. I think i should get out more and have more friends...but I am so alone...even though I am alwasy with Nat. I just want to go home. I want the familiar...the more simple...the less confusion. Nat is thinking of being here for the long haul if they will have him...and that does more make me excited...that makes me very sad and frustrated. Why did I marry him? Why do I always follow him whereever he wants to go. It makes me feel like I have nothing. I have nursing school but not sure I want to finish it---its scary...putting peoples lives in my hands...I am scared that I wont even be able to complete the courses.
So i am not sure how I feel. Just so alone and depressed and sad. I am not sure what to do about it and if anything will fix it. I saw the look on Hopes face as she was talking about her new grandbaby and it hurt my heart. I am not sure why...I just wanted to be that person...but I am not. It is not easy to get over.
I am probably just pmsing...i have been due to start for over a week. I seriously doubt I am pregnant. I took two pregnancy tests and both were negative. It almost made me cry. I just want something to look forward to.
I have all these plans. I want to lose weight before I start having kids. I am on the verge of starving myself. I dont want to be unhappy anymore. I also want to stop smoking. Do i want to finish school or do I want to be pregnant so I dont have to finish?